My Birthday Cake Epiphany

I've been floating through life the last month or so eating what I want, and not even caring about being healthy or losing weight. Something happened last week that snapped me back to reality. 

One of my co-workers had a birthday on Friday, and another of my co-workers started talking to me about getting her a cake. When I said that I wasn't getting one, this co-worker seemed a little panicked - "It's her birthday! She HAS to have a cake!" 

After the conversation I started thinking back to one month ago - to my birthday. No one got me a cake.


*updated to add - DISCLAIMER: This does not include my lovely hubby, who got me a very nice dessert cookie*

 I had not one piece of cake for my birthday. Now, this is not a "wah wah no one loves me because they didn't get me cake" or a "yah me - i avoided the temptation of cake on my birthday!" moment. 

Nope, this is a moment of  "Oh. My. God. No got me a cake because I am fat and they think I need to lose weight." Now, my more realistic self thinks (knows) that they (my friends and family) did this out of love. They all know I am trying to get healthy and so they probably thought that not getting me a cake would be like doing me a favor. They WANT me to be healthy.

But that's not how I felt. I felt ashamed, and guilty, and a little bit hurt. 

How fat do you have to be to not be given cake on your BIRTHDAY? I mean, seriously?

Sometime I forget the way other people must see me. 

Then I thought - can I blame everyone? My health is completely out of hand. I've failed at my recent attempts to get healthier - and now I'm back up on the scale (weigh in post to come soon), and feeling like crap. How many times am I going to ride this freakin roller coaster?!? 

I decided to make it motivate me. 

Motivate me to get it together. 

Motivate me to put in the effort. 

Motivate me to be the skinny/healthy person who no one thinks twice about getting a birthday cake for. 

So, I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps, and going again. Changing again. Starting again. 

I can use all the support I can get. 

Please continue to not buy me cake.